The Definitive Guide to Surviving the Impending Zombie Apocalypse

16 Jul

The December 22nd deadline for the end of life as we know it is fast approaching. Will you be prepared for life without government, law, electricity, petroleum, food, clean water? What about the ravenous hordes of undead intent on devouring your face? Get yourself prepared for the fall of civilization by learning a few lessons from someone who survived for  a hundred thousand generations without civilization. That’s right, none other than Paleolithic Man!

Paleo Man, despite having an awesome super-hero-esque name, did not have any actual super human powers. Yet in a world fraught with many dangers he was not only able to survive but to thrive, spreading to every corner of the globe and setting up the framework for modern humans to become THE most dominant creature on the planet. How did he accomplish this feat? Using modern scientific techniques (conjecture and pseudoscience…) we can determine that Paleo Man had a few distinct advantages over us modern, more “sophisticated” humans. Knowing these advantages very well could make the difference between escaping the horde or becoming zombie chow!

Advantage #1: Paleo Man was lean:

If Paleo Man was built like the average American, he would have tripped over his giant spare-tire gut and most assuredly been a tasty ( and large) snack for a saber tooth tiger. Much to the disappointment of the saber tooth tigers the world over, Paleo Man maintained body fat percentages in the single digits. Perhaps during the fall months he would carb up a bit and pack on a few extra pounds for the leaner winter months ahead but still never exceeded 12% -14% for any length of time. How did he achieve this chiseled physique? Hours on the treadmill or stationary bike? Calorie counting? Jenny Craig? Perhaps the” Special K Challenge”?

Americans spend $43 billion dollars a year on fad diets and exercise equipment. At any given moment an estimated 49 million Americans are following some sort of “diet” regiment. I’ll go out on a limb and suggest that the majority of these people are doing some form of calorie restriction and steady state cardio because “that’s the best way to lose weight”. Despite all of this, 68.4% of Americans are obese or significantly overweight and this number is steadily climbing. Is there something wrong with us? Or does the problem lie in the American diet and fitness model? (hint: it’s not us)

Calorie restriction as a weight loss solution does not work…. sort of. As any emaciated horse on those Animal Planet tv shows will tell you (that is, if emaciated horses could talk) starvation does indeed lead to weight reduction BUT a slight decrease in caloric intake, short of all out starvation, leads to excessive production of the stress hormone cortisol. Excessive cortisol causes your body to store fat (along with doing alot of other really bad things…) particularly in the mid section. Weight loss will be hard to come by and the majority will be from your body cannibalizing your own muscle to supply necessary fuel. Muscle is metabolically active, so the less muscle you have, the fewer calories you require to exist ( also the fewer calories you burn just to survive, known as your “resting metabolic rate”).  Am I making any sense? Keep in mind the human body is not a steam engine. Digestion/ weight loss is not as simple as calorie in/ calorie out. I could yammer on for days about this but I would actually like for you to finish reading this….so…. The question remains. What did Paleo Man do to maintain his lean, powerful physique?

He ate real food: low carb, high fat, high protein Ancestral diet as outlined here. He ate as much as he wanted, as often as he wanted and never gained a pound. He did not “diet”, he did not restrict calories. Good genes? Well yeah! But his genes are your genes! Contrary to what you may believe about inheriting your Uncle Joe’s lard ass, your genes do not want you to be fat (your jeans don’t either). You are genetically wired to be lean and strong, capable of survival in even the darkest, most dire circumstances.

Advantage #2: Paleo Man was strong and athletic

Apparently, people (much more intelligent than myself) have studied the bones of ancient humans and determined that the average pre-agriculture human was much larger and more muscular than their relatives that lived after the advent of agriculture. Grains not only made us dumber, they also made us smaller and weaker! Paleo Man was as strong and athletic as our most elite athletes today. A lifetime of climbing, carrying, digging, sprinting after prey, sprinting to avoid becoming prey, gave our ancestors a body that puts Magic Mike to shame!

Of course, you don’t get results like this on a treadmill, not on the bowflex, or the Ab Rocker Xtreme. It takes a smart fitness program that closely imitates movements and activities that our ancestors performed everyday. Activities that we are genetically wired to perform and therefore can reap maximum benefit with seemingly little effort. Sound to good to be true? Well, I promise I’ll never ask you for any money (unlike your good-fer-nuthin, lard-ass Uncle Joe….). So what might this look like? I plan on devoting a future blog specifically on the topic ( as soon as I can find a way to monetarily benefit…) but here’s the nutshell version:

Carrying firewood, butchering a mammoth, setting a deadfall trap:

Pick up something heavy. And I don’t mean using some type of “weight lifting-gym-machine-contraption”. Free weights, barbels, sand bag, dumbbells, kettlebell, whatever. The more awkward and hard to handle, the better. Woolly Mammoth hind quarters didn’t come perfectly balanced and equipped with handles. What is heavy? It depends on your fitness level. As long as it’s really hard to pick up, it’s working. Trust me. And I’m not talking about biceps curls or other lame isolation exercises. We want full body, compound movements ( performed barefoot) such as the deadlift, overhead press, squat thrusters, pull ups and the like. Sound like Spanish? Google up some You Tube videos and some jackass will be thrilled to show you how to do all of these with some of the worst technique imaginable. Be sure to leave him a comment telling him just how much you appreciate him taking the time to sacrifice his spine in the name of fitness.

Charge in for the kill, Avoid the Short Face Bear, Oh shit! my errant spear throw just knocked down that bee’s nest:

Sprinting! This one doesn’t need a lot of explanation. Your body expects to run like hell. Zombies and Short Face Bears are fast. You need to be faster. Take off your shoes, find some grass and get to it.

Digging for tubers, building a shelter, climbing for fruit and nuts:

High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT). This is caveman “cardio”. Trust me, an hour on the treadmill will seem like a leisurely walk in the park compared to 10 minutes of this. Fullbody movements, light to medium weights, at a blistering pace. This is the only “training” I did for 3 months and managed to knock 10 minutes off my 10k time. Without EVER running. Check out this ugly bald-headed guy showing you what its all about.

Advantage #3: A Fat based Metabolism

Zombies won’t get tired of chasing, so you better not get tired of running!

“But I didn’t get a chance to carb load the night before the apocalypse!?!”If your relying on carbs to meet your energy demands, you’ll be zombie brunch by 10:30am December 22nd. Fat is the prefered fuel of the human body.

“Fat!?! That stuff clogs my arteries and gives me thunder thighs!”If you still believe that I will first refer you here. Now, consider this…

We are taught that carbohydrates are our bodies main source of energy . Athletes that skimp on carbs leading up to a competition will surely evaporate and die or something like that…. Your body can store up to around 500g of carbs. Jumping, running, stiff arming the undead all work to deplete these stored carbs. The more intense the movement, the faster the stores are depleted.  1 gram of carbs = 4 calories of energy so we can store about 2,000 calories of carb energy ( 500g x 4).

A fit, healthy, lean man with 8% body fat has about 15 pounds or 6795g of stored fat without “looking fat”. Fat is far more energy dense than carbs. 1 gram of fat = 9 calories of energy. Our shredded example above carries 61,155 calories of fat energy ( 6795g x 9).

Which one makes more sense to utilize as the primary energy source? Think about it. Your body isn’t conspiring against you by packing pounds around your thighs! Your spare tire isn’t its way of making sure you never get laid! Your body wants you to get laid! (continuation of the species, Man!) Fat is your body’s favorite energy source and its storing it for when it’s needed. The problem is that a diet high in carbohydrates impairs your body’s ability to access this stored fat and instead encourages your body to add to it.

Carbohydrates are sugar (as far as your bodies digestion is concerned). There is no difference between a banana, a bagel, a potato, honey, wonder bread, maple syrup, an apple, sweet tea, snickers bar, table sugar, you get the idea… When it hits your gut, it’s all sugar. Quick, easy fuel that doesn’t stick around long. After just a few hours, your left ravenous hungry. Skip a meal and your head is throbbing, you’re getting weak and shaky, your focus is off and you’re getting lethargic. Paleo Man often hunted on an empty stomach with boundless energy and keen focus. A fat based metabolism allowed him this advantage. Think that whole wheat bagel will be enough to keep you one step in front of the horde?

There you have it! The definitive guide to surviving the impending zombie apocalypse. I, for one, will be ready to jump down a couple notches on the food chain. How about you? I’ll leave you with this video of some courageous African tribesmen stealing a meal from about a dozen hungry lions. Never for a moment doubt our species’ ability to overcome.

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